Prue: Investigations
by kaytee83
Summary: Stars Prue Halliwell as she finds herself resurrected in Los Angeles and fights crime. Prue casts a spell from the past... wait a minute, which Prue? There are thousands in this episode! Guest appearance from AVRIL LAVIGNE! Anti-Avril o' course. It IS me!
1. The Undead Bites Back

A/N: Well guys. Well, well, well. Welly, welly, welly. As you may recall, in the last series of Charmeded (series three you idiums!), our beloved Prue was actually killed off! Anyone who thought that it was a crime beyond crimes was, oh dear lord, absolutely right! So after much deliberation of how to keep her involved with the show (she IS my favourite after all) this is the solution! Oh you better believe it baby - Prue got her own spinoff series! Doesn't that make you melt with pleasure? So without further ado, I, the 'magnificent' KT, present to you  
  
PRUE: INVESTIGATIONS!  
  
No not Angel - Prue.  
  
Thanks to, in alphabetical order so you don't think there's any favouritism: Dave (Coleo), DANI (Danielle), Flak (Falcon), Hollie (uhh... HollieSmells), Iz (defunct), Jade (Jade... hehe), José (What... Ex-Instructor... um... Quistis...), Kirds (X-Moonchik), Kit (Kit-The-Cat), Klah (Jewel-Halliwell[yes she still exists!]), Mari (Pipermint), Meagan (Umm... Meggers was it?), Nikki-The-Scotlum (Wendigo Piper), Olly (Paigeriffic), Steph (Stephanie18)  
  
Oh, and Anonymous, because you made me smile many a time with your flames! Light your torch baby, cos this series is gold! Oh how Anon roolez.  
  
  
  
PRUE INVESTIGATIONS 1.1: THE UNDEAD BITES BACK.  
  
BLACK.  
  
FADE IN ON:   
  
INT. PRUE'S COFFIN. WE SEE THE DEAD HUSSY FROM ABOVE. UNTIL - IN AN EXTREMELY YET "NOT" STOLEN BUFFYESQUE WAY, THE CORPSE COMES BACK TO LIFE. VITAL ORGANS APPEAR AND CONNECT THEMSELVES TO THE RAPIDLY GROWING MUSCLES AND LIGAMENTS, WHICH ATTACH TO THE BONES CONNECTED BY A NETWORK OF JOINTS AND VEINS, WHICH ARE THEN WRAPPED IN LAYERS OF MUSCLE, THEN FLESH. MMM... GRAPHIC. AND SUDDENLY, WITH A SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH, PRUE JERKS AWAKE.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
PRUE(VOICE OVER): The world.  
  
A SATELLITE IMAGE OF THE PLANET EARTH APPEARS.  
  
PRUE(VO): This tiny little globe houses so many things. Life. Love, hate... it is the key of existence. The planet Earth. But something so small and unprotected has many dangers. And not just natural ones. Evil.  
  
SHOTS OF DEMON ATTACKS, SACRIFICES, KILLINGS, ALYSSA MILANO ETC ARE SHOWN WHILE PRUE CONTINUES SPEAKING.  
  
PRUE(VO): This Evil has spawned over the world, no one knows why. Why does it exist? Because of people's hatred? Their greed? But these creatures aren't human. Well, some of them are. But the question of why, why is there Evil, why suffer, why, why us? It remains unanswered.   
  
THE SHOTS SWITCH TO AN IMAGE OF THE HORIZON OF LOS ANGELES. IT IS TWILIGHT. THE CAMERA PANS BACK OVER THE ROOFTOPS AND WE SEE PRUE STANDING ON TOP OF A BUILDING LOOKING AT THE CITY.  
  
PRUE(VO): But whatever happens, all we can do is hope. Hope that one day we shall be free, safe, and destroy Evil. But until then, we will fight.  
  
PRUE JUMPS OFF THE ROOFTOP.  
  
PRUE(OS): This would be the point I realise I can't fly.   
  
TITLE CREDITS.  
  
THEME:  
  
"La la la la fighting crime  
La la demons all the time  
Bam kerpow they all fall down  
To celebrate we will eat lime  
  
Battling strong through our lives  
Never wavering through hopelessness  
Evil in this world will not subside  
But we will prevail in the end woo!  
  
La la la la fighting crime  
La la demons all the time  
Bam kerpow they all fall down  
That's PRUE!"  
  
GOOD THEME HUH?  
  
DURING THE THEME WE SEE A MONTAGE OF CLIPS.  
  
PRUE DOING MATRIX KICKS ON SOME 'GNARLY' BEAST.  
  
BUCKLANDS GUY (JACK SHERIDAN!!!) AND PRUE GRABBING EACH OTHER BY THE THROAT.  
  
THE TRIQUETRA FLASHES UP AND GLOWING. AS IF IT'S ON FIRE. OH WAIT - IT IS! AHH! SOMEONE PUT THAT OUT! NO NOT WITH MY HAND! OWWWWWW IT BURNNNNNNNNS!  
  
PRUE BEING ATTACKED FROM ALL SIDES.  
  
PRUE SPEEDING ALONG IN A WAY COOL OPEN TOP SPORTS CAR WHICH SAYS "PROO KOO" ON THE NUMBER PLATE.  
  
A DEMON MORPHING INTO A FINE LOOKING MAN.  
  
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT - PRUE USING HER POWERS TO SHUT THE FRONT DOOR (GO PRUE, CHEH, CHEH, GO PRUE)  
  
BLACK.  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT. F*CK-OFF *YELLOW* MANSION (EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE F*CK OFF PINK MANSION EXCEPT... WELL, YELLOW!). INSIDE, IT'S A PRETTY CRAPPY PLACE, DIRTY AND WITH RUBBISH FURNITURE. WE WALK THROUGH (THAT'S THE *CAMERA* WHICH WALKS, YOU IDIUMS) THE HOUSE AND SEE PRUE HAVING A BROODING MOMENT, STANDING IN FRONT OF THE OPEN FRIDGE. THEN SHE SHOVES A HUGE PIE IN HER MOUTH. SHE SHUTS THE FRIDGE AND WE SEE A MAGNET ON IT WHICH READS 'JUST COS YOU'RE THE UNDEAD IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T STUFF YOUR FAT FACE!'  
  
PRUE: Amen to that.   
  
SHE CARTWHEELS THROUGH TO THE HALL AND INTO THE DEMON WHO IS STANDING THERE.  
  
PRUE: Jebus! Where did you come from?  
DEMON: What's brown and sticky?  
PRUE: No time for jokes!  
DEMON: Wrong!  
  
HE TRIES TO HIT HER BUT SHE TK'S HIM INTO THE WALL. IT GETS UP AND ATTACKS.  
  
PRUE: Buggeration! Give me a second!  
DEMON: What did the pillow say to the lampshade?  
PRUE: What, are you my stalker or something?  
DEMON: Wrong again, witch!  
  
IT GRABS HER BY THE NECK AND LIFTS HER UP. SHE BEGINS TO CHOKE.  
  
PRUE: Ack. Okay, my turn. What looks like me but isn't really there?  
DEMON: Huh?  
  
PRUE ASTRAL PROJECTS TO BEHIND HIM AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER. HE LOOKS WELL CONFUSED AND DROPS REAL PRUE TO THE FLOOR, WHO LOOKS LIKE SHE HAS PIERCED HER SPLEEN. OWIE!  
  
ASTRAL: Come and get me, bitch. Hey, cool! No censoring! Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch... anyways.  
  
ASTRAL PRUE RUNS OUT OF THE HOUSE. THE DEMON DOES NOT FOLLOW.  
  
DEMON: Will I bugger.  
  
HE BEGINS TO JUMP UP AND DOWN ON TOP OF REAL PRUE. TIME LAPSE. HE IS STILL JUMPING BUT IS ALL TIRED AND SH*T. ASTRAL PRUE COMES BACK IN WITH AN ICE CREAM.  
  
ASTRAL: Where the hell were you?  
DEMON: Here, idium.  
ASTRAL: Khaaa! I'm gonna vanquish you!  
DEMON: How? You don't have your pithy sisters to protect you.  
  
THIS AFFECTS ASTRAL PRUE AS SHE REMEMBERS HER SISTERS - THE GIMP PHOEBE AND THE BEAUTIFUL PIPER. THE DEMON PUNCHES ASTRAL PRUE, WHO FLIES INTO THE WALL AND DISAPPEARS. REAL PRUE WAKES UP. SHE GOES UP BEHIND THE DEMON AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER.  
  
PRUE: You'll be sorry.  
  
SHE STARTS SMASHING HIM GOOD. SHE BEATS HIM TO THE GROUND, THEN GRABS HIM.  
  
PRUE: I'll give you a chance. You can run and spread the word I'm here, or stay and die.  
  
THE DEMON RUNS OUT. PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Wait... why did I just do that? Now everyone'll be on the lookout for me! Ah well. May as well get to work.  
  
SHE STICKS A CRAPPY PAPER SIGN WHICH IS ALL FRAYED AND TORN THAT SAYS "PRUE INVESTIGATIONS" ON THE FRONT DOOR.   
  
PRUE: It is born. Now I hope word gets around.  
  
THE PHONE RINGS. SHE GOES TO ANSWER.  
  
PRUE: Prue Investigations.   
VOICE: Hi. I need help.  
PRUE: Okay, tell me what's happened. Nothing's too mean, beastly or evil for our top quality fighting machine.  
VOICE: And who's that?  
PRUE: ... Me.  
VOICE: Oh hoh... well, you know, I think I'm gonna give 'Angel Investigations' a call instead; they have a much better name and are fronted by a guy.  
PRUE: Wait! A guy? Girls can do it too - don't you ever watch Charmeded?  
VOICE: Yes, and those kids are a bunch of losers - especially that new one!  
PRUE: I can change- Hello? Hello? Bastard.  
  
SHE WANDERS OVER TO A BIG CHAIR AND SITS DOWN.  
  
PRUE: Can't believe that asshole. Dissing the name 'Prue Investigations'. What's with that? Well, as ever, the main thing is he didn't like Paige. Then again, does anybody?  
  
KT WALKS ON AND LOOKS SMUG.  
  
PRUE: Get out of here.  
  
KT EXITS. SOMEONE (NOT KT - CAN YOU BELIEVE!?!) WALKS IN. PRUE DOES NOT LOOK UP.  
  
PRUE: What do you want? I mean, *sighs* can I help you?  
GUY: I think the question is can I help YOU?  
  
PRUE LOOKS UP AND HER MOUTH FALLS OPEN.  
  
PRUE: Bucklands Guy?  
BUCKO: You're damn right. *nods continually* Hey Prue!  
PRUE: B-b-but I thought you were dead!  
  
SHE SHOWS THEM THE PAPER WHICH HAS MAGICALLY APPEARED IN HER HAND. IT'S HIS OBITUARY.  
  
BUCKO: Yeah, well, I thought you were too.  
  
HE SHOWS HER THE PAPER WHICH HAS MAGICALLY APPEARED IN HIS HAND, HER OBITUARY ETC ETC.  
  
PRUE: Huh. Well. Didn't see you in heaven (BTW guys, it took me 3 attempts to get the spelling of heaven right. Please tell me it's right). Where the hell were you?  
BUCKO: Actually, I was in hell.  
PRUE: (deadpan) Really.  
BUCKO: Yeah. Turns out my jokes and annoying personality up here on Earth were SO bad everyone hated me. So down I go.   
PRUE: Wait... you go to heaven or hell depending on how many people like you?  
BUCKO: Yeah. Must've been a close call for you.  
PRUE: Khaaa!  
BUCKO: ... What?  
PRUE: Shut up. So what do you want?  
BUCKO: I'm a renegade demon. They were so pissed off with my personality down there they thought I'd do more evil up here. So they banished me to Earth to do evil deeds.   
  
HE KNOCKS OVER A VASE AND DOES A BIG EVIL LAUGH.  
  
BUCKO: God, I'm evil.  
GOD(OS): No you're not...  
PRUE: Shut up, KT.  
KT(OS): No YOU shut up! And you should call me God!  
  
PRUE BEGINS WALKING TOWARDS THE CAMERA. SHE WALKS BEHIND IT AND WE HEAR A SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF SOMEONE GETTING BEATEN UP.   
  
PRUE(OS): AP is God!  
KT(OS): Okay, okay I'm sorry!  
PRUE(OS): And I am a Demi-God spanned from my closeness to our highest worshippéd deity Astral Prue, got it?  
KT(OS): *cries* Yes, yes!  
  
PRUE WALKS BACK ON CAMERA, DUSTING OFF HER HANDS. WHICH AREN'T DUSTY. SHE THEN ROLLS UP HER SLEEVES, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S WEARING A SLEEVELESS TOP. MEH.  
  
PRUE: Now where were we?  
  
THEY ARE INTERRUPTED BY ABBEY FROM ER RUNNING IN. HOORAH! SHE ROOLEZ!  
  
PRUE: Oh my God Abbey - are you okay?  
ABBEY: *crying* I didn't... I didn't know where else to come.  
BUCKO: How about wherever the guy is, so he knows it happened?  
  
BOTH STARE AT HIM.  
  
PRUE: I can't believe you're still here. (to Abbey) So what happened? Did you get beat on again?  
ABBEY: This is gonna sound crazy.  
PRUE: Believe me, after the stuff I've seen, nothing sounds crazy.  
ABBEY: This will.  
PRUE: God damnit Abbey!  
  
PRUE PUNCHES ABBEY.  
  
PRUE: Just tell me!  
ABBEY: I'm getting stalked by this big... horny beast thing.  
PRUE: Does she have bleached blonde hair and a tendancy to wear woolly pink hats? Cos that'd just be my lesbium sister Phoebe.  
ABBEY: No, I mean it actually had horns - literally.  
PRUE: Big wow. The amount of people I know who have horns; demons, Satan, Paige...  
ABBEY: Right... so anyway. This... thing, tried to kill me.  
PRUE: Please. Like it's that special. You wanna know the number of things that've tried to kill me?  
ABBEY: Yeah, well they'd have good reason to. I wanna kill you right now.  
  
PRUE ORBS OUT.  
  
ABBEY: What the hell was that?  
  
BUCKO SHRUGS.  
  
ABBEY: So who are you?  
BUCKO: I'm Bucklands Guy. But you can call me Bucko.  
ABBEY: Okay. Where's that girl that was here?  
BUCKO: Prue? Dunno. She probably orbed into some sex shop with her husband. Oh, that was Shannen Doherty.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
BOTH: Ewwww.  
KT(OS): What???  
  
PRUE ORBS IN.  
  
PRUE: Hope you didn't talk about me too much.  
BUCKO: Nope. We didn't get halfway to talking about your good points.  
PRUE: Oh. Go ahead.  
BUCKO: Prue's good points... her sisters are really hot. The end.  
  
PRUE SLAPS BUCKO.  
  
PRUE: Okay, Abbey, I'll help you with your demon.  
BUCKO: We'll help you.  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: What're you saying, Bucklands Guy?  
BUCKO: I'm saying I wanna help Prue. I wanna join Prue Investigations.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Rrrrrright. Abbey, can I call you back?  
ABBEY: You don't have my number-  
PRUE: I'll. Call. You. Back.  
  
PRUE TK'S ABBEY OUT OF THE DOOR.  
  
BUCKO: Nice way to treat the clients.  
PRUE: You wanna join Prue Investigations?  
BUCKO: Sure do. It means I can be annoying and perverse and still be on TV! They killed me off on Charmeded but this is a spinoff. They have lower standards. I mean look at the lead character!   
  
PRUE GLARES AT HIM. BUCKO SHRUGS AND NODS CONTINUALLY. PRUE HAS A BROODING MOMENT.  
  
BUCKO: *cough*Angel*cough*ripoff*cough*.  
PRUE: I didn't write the script, okay? Unless...  
  
SHE PULLS A PIECE OF PAPER OUT AND BEGINS SCRAWLING ON IT.   
  
PRUE: This totally reminds me of that time Piper went crazy and they had the Book Of Shadows that was colour pencilled in.   
  
BOTH BURST OUT LAUGHING.  
  
PRUE: That was like the one time I'd been glad to have watched over them, it was so funny. And don't you think the Source is such a failure?  
BUCKO: Hey, don't diss the Source. I'll have you know he's like, so good at chess.  
PRUE: I bet Phoebe could kick his ass at chess.  
BUCKO: Yeah, following her rules. I played with her once.  
PRUE: What what WHAT? You were MY boyfriend!  
BUCKO: Yeah, but it took me ages to get you in the sack. She's so much... ooh, what's the word?  
PRUE: Sluttier? Easy? Trampish? Sleazy? Take your pick.  
BUCKO: Yeah.   
PRUE: Great.  
BUCKO: So anyhoo. Now you know how I'm back on Earth, why don't you tell me why you are.  
PRUE: Maybe later. Say... next week, same time?  
BUCKO: I'll be there.  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
VOICE OVER GUY: And that was the premier episode of 'Prue: Investigations', hopefully Ms Doherty will be popular enough to keep up with the general hugeness of the series Prue Investigations is a spinoff from, Charmeded.  
VOICE OVER GAL: Actually, I have to say I quite liked it. The guest star Abbey from ER was a welcome surprise. Not sure about the return of Bucklands Guy, though. He was annoying!  
VOICE OVER GUY: Anyway, you can catch Charmeded and Prue Investigations right here at the same time next week right here on KTV. Where else would you wanna be?  
VOICE OVER GAL: *coughs*  
  
  
She's koo. She's Prue. And she ain't Schmoo!   
  
And it gets good soon. 


	2. An Old Flame Quelleth But A New One Live...

A/N: For those BUFFOONS who don't know who Lierre is (and shame on you!), go and read When She Was Evil by my demon buddee Stephanie18. It's never been more worth it. And Lierre is the best.  
A/N: For arguement's sake, the Steph in this story is NOT the same one as who is in Charmeded. Why? Just... because.  
A/N: Oh - the part where Prue reads Phoebe's column aloud, well, it wouldn't be there without the fabulous Kit who I stol- um... borrowed the idea from! Thank you, my sweet little genius of a friend! If you want more like what Prue reads aloud, I'd tell you to check out "Just Ask Phoebe" by Kit-The-Cat however those bastards at ffn deleted it.  
A/N: Man, I really do seem to plug other people's stories a lot. They better be grateful...   
A/N: Oh one last thing, to get the part about Kit and Animal Welfare, just check 'A Long Time Coming' by the wonderful me, and yes, it's short.  
A/N: Anon! You psychic ho you! You'll see why.  
  
  
PRUE INVESTIGATIONS 1.2: An Old Flame Quelleth But A New One Liveth  
  
  
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION, LIVING ROOM - DAY. PRUE IS SITTING ON A BIG BEAN BAG. SHE'S ASLEEP. THE SCREEN GOES ALL FUZZY AS WE GO INTO PRUE'S DREAM...  
  
She's in the Underworld. She's... she's The Source! And there's a man, a man who she loves very much... L... what's his name? L...  
  
BAM! PRUE WAKES UP.   
  
PRUE: Lierre!  
  
SHE LOOKS AROUND HER, AND REALISES SHE'S ALONE. STEPHANIE18 RANDOMLY ENTERS.  
  
STEPH: Hey!  
PRUE: You! You killed my love!  
  
PRUE JUMPS ON STEPH AND STARTS BEATING HER BACK TO HELL.  
  
STEPH: Woah woah woah woah! Prue! Hold on - I'll fix it, I promise!  
PRUE: Well. DO IT THEN WENCH!  
  
STEPH PRODUCES A LAPTOP AND BEGINS CLICKING AWAY ON IT. SUDDENLY, LIERRE APPEARS BESIDE PRUE.  
  
LIERRE: Prue?  
PRUE: Oh my god you're alive!  
  
KT ENTERS AND SLAPS STEPH.  
  
KT: Hello? Who writes the script here? How dare you write in a new character?  
  
STEPH SLAPS KT BACK. KT TURNS TO THE CAMERA.  
  
KT: You know she's the only person that retaliates... how I hate her.  
STEPH: I can do what I like round here... I'm your demon buddee!  
KT: I don't make random appearances in YOUR stories, do I?  
  
STEPH LOOKS AT KT.  
  
KT: Um... what's brown and sticky?  
PRUE: Look, can you guys continue this... whatever you're playing at later on? I'm trying to have a moment here!  
  
KT AND STEPH DROP TO THEIR KNEES AND GROVEL.  
  
BOTH: Yes ma'am, I apologise, sorry, you're the Queen, etc etc.  
PRUE: Don't say "etc" because you're too lazy to continue! I'm fed up of people saying that! "We're sorry you're great etc" I mean it totally takes the mood away. Oh, paige it. Just get out of here!  
KT: I love you Lierre!  
PRUE: Go! And he's mine!  
  
PRUE KICKS KT. KT AND STEPH SCAMPER OFF BICKERING. LIERRE TAKES PROO'S HAND.  
  
LIERRE: Have you missed me?  
PRUE: Duh! You're my one true love!  
  
BUCKO ENTERS.  
  
BUCKO: Hey Proo... and company.  
LIERRE: Who's this schmuck?  
PRUE: *dismissively* Oh that's Bucklands Guy. He's a nobody.  
BUCKO: Prue! I thought we were friends...  
PRUE: Oh, the tiniest violin is playing the smallest tune for you. Get out of my office!  
LIERRE: Yeah, ho!  
  
BUCKO EXITS. LIERRE AND PRUE HUG.  
  
PRUE: I missed you so much... you and your black!  
LIERRE: Me too...   
PRUE: Let's never be apart again.  
  
THEY PULL APART. HUH. IGNORE WHAT PRUE JUST SAID MUCH?  
  
LIERRE: You got it Prue! I don't lubb you.  
PRUE: ... what?  
LIERRE: I don't lubb you cos I LOVE you!  
  
PRUE IS DELIGHTED. AS ARE WE ALL. YES, YES, THIS SCENE IS ONLY TO GRATIFY MY INTENSE NEED FOR THOSE TWO SOULMATES TO BE TOGETHER. *LOOKS AT STEPH*  
  
PRUE: I love you too!  
KT(OS): Awwwww!  
STEPH(OS): Okay that's quite enough.   
  
THE SOUNDS OF A LAPTOP CLICKING ARE HEARD FROM OFF SCREEN. BAM! LIERRE STARTS TO FADE AWAY.  
  
PRUE: Lierre! What's happening to you?  
LIERRE: Prue... don't forget our love... avenge me...  
  
LIERRE DISAPPEARS. PRUE FALLS TO HER KNEES AND WAILS.   
  
PRUE: When do I get my happily ever after?  
  
STEPH APPEARS ON CAMERA AS KT KICKS HER ON.  
  
STEPH: Uh... what's brown and sticky?  
KT(OS): Get her Prue!  
  
FADE OUT AS PRUE BEGINS TO KICK THE PAIGING HELL OUT OF STEPHANIE UNTIL SHE AGREES TO BRING BACK LIERRE.  
  
KT(OS): Woo! LSL! Lierre Should Live!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION. BUCKO IS SKULKING ABOUT.  
  
BUCKO: I'll teach her to call me a nobody!  
  
BUCKO MAKES HIS WAY BACK TO THE F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION BUT BEFORE HE GETS THERE AND HE FALLS DOWN A MANHOLE, NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN. SHAME.  
  
CUT TO: INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION. STEPH'S BLOODIED BODY IS BEING 'DISPOSED OF'. WELL... PRUE'S ACTUALLY MICROWAVING IT.  
  
PRUE: Kit, chh chh chh chh *cat noises*  
  
KIT THE CAT RUNS THROUGH AND LOOKS AT THE CAMERA.   
  
KIT: When animal welfare rescued me and Kite guess where I got rehomed! Woo! Dunno where Kite is though...  
  
CUT TO: INT. ROSE MCGOWAN'S TRAILER.  
  
ROSE: Here Kite, I got you some maggots and Alyssa's bra straps for dinner!  
KITE: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  
  
CUT TO: INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION.  
  
KIT PADS OVER TO PRUE.  
  
KIT: I guess I'm one of the lucky ones!  
PRUE: Aww you're meowing. Here, have some Steph.  
  
PRUE PUTS DOWN A PLATE OF STEPH AND KIT EATS.  
  
KIT: Mmm tastes like QueeM.  
  
PRUE PICKS UP A NEWSPAPER.  
  
PRUE: "The Bay View"? Sounds sh*tty. Thank AP it was free!  
  
SHE BEGINS TO READ... AND OPENS IT AT PHOEBE'S COLUMN.  
  
PRUE: What the paige! Phoebe has a job? No way! What's this... "Phoebe's Tip Of The Day, Number Seventeen: Never run down the stairs without a bra if you're a woman."  
  
PRUE SHRUGS.  
  
PRUE: Pretty good advice. I can't believe it! How can she sustain an advice column? "Dear Phoebe: I'm having a lot of trouble finding myself a man. Can you help? Signed Payj... um... Hollywall." Payj? Hollywall? What kind of weird yet somewhat familiar name is that? Let's see what Phoebe says. "Dear Payj. Clearly you have not learned the art that is whoring yourself. Step one: cleavage is your friend! Step two: Forget sex on the first date - don't bother with the date at all! Step three..." Wow, this is quite a list.  
  
PRUE STARTS TO MAKE NOTES. PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: I miss those lesbiums. Oh Kit, what should I do? I can't go and see them if they think I'm dead, can I? Oh woe is me the undead hussy!   
KIT: Go for it Prue, they need you. All they have is that bug-eyed freak now.  
PRUE: You know for a cat, you give good council.  
KIT: Put in a word or two for me at that paper Phoebe's at. I'll have her job in no time!  
  
THE DOORBELL RINGS.  
  
PRUE: I have a doorbell?  
  
PRUE GOES TO ANSWER IT. AS SOON AS SHE PULLS OPEN THE DOOR, SHE IS ATTACKED BY A DEMON  
  
PRUE: Aiiiiiiii!  
DEMON: Kazaam!  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: Kazaam?  
DEMON: What? It was the only thing I could think of!  
PRUE: Who the paige are you?  
DEMON: A demon, obviously!  
PRUE: Are you here to kill me?  
DEMON: Well, for the time being, yes.  
PRUE: Oh. Should I be afraid?  
  
THE DEMON THINKS.  
  
DEMON: Uh... sure, why not?  
  
THE DEMON TURNS INTO A HUMAN.  
  
PRUE: Oh, not another half-demon!  
DEMON: What? I can't be evil and pretty at the same time?  
PRUE: Well... you are kinda cute.  
LIERRE(OS): Hey!  
PRUE: Oh shut up!  
KT(OS): *whimpers*  
DEMON: I'm Jesse.  
PRUE: Thank AP you ARE a half demon! If I met you in your demon form and knew that was your name I don't think I could take you seriously!  
JESSE: Well obviously the demon has another name!  
PRUE: Which is...?  
JESSE: I'd prefer not to disclose.  
PRUE: Oh come on - tell me.  
JESSE: You'll laugh at me!  
PRUE: I won't, I promise.   
JESSE: Oh fine. It's spelt F H E O E B I E.  
PRUE: And it's pronounced...  
JESSE: *hangs head* "Feebee".  
  
SILENCE. PRUE THEN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AND DOESN'T STOP FOR A LONG LONG LONG TIME. AS DO WE ALL.  
  
JESSE: Hey! You said you wouldn't laugh!  
PRUE: No I didn't.  
JESSE: Yes you did!  
PRUE: No I didn't.  
JESSE: Yes you-  
PRUE: Prove it.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
JESSE: Fine. Laugh it up. But when I kill you and steal your powers you won't be laughing.  
PRUE: Okay... I'm already dead, you know that?  
JESSE: Stop ruining my evil scheme! I'm going away to plot in my evil lair which most certainly does not have curtains, and I'll return when you're at your most unprepared! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! And ha!  
  
HE SHIMMERS OUT.   
  
PRUE: Evil lairs don't have curtains?  
  
JESSE SHIMMERS BACK IN.  
  
JESSE: Kazaam!  
PRUE: This is when you thought I'd be most unprepared? You were here like five seconds ago!  
JESSE: Yeah, and were you expecting me to come back?  
PRUE: Well kinda. You dropped your keys.  
  
PRUE HANDS JESSE HIS KEYS.  
  
PRUE: And your pants.  
  
PRUE HANDS JESSE HIS PANTS. HE PUTS THEM ON HASTILY.  
  
JESSE: You may have won this round witch, but I'll get you next time!  
  
HE SHIMMERS OUT.  
  
PRUE: Terrifying.  
  
JESSE SHIMMERS BACK IN.  
  
JESSE: Kazaam!  
  
PRUE STARES AT HIM.  
  
JESSE: Nothing?  
PRUE: Sorry.  
  
JESSE SIMPLY TURNS AND WALKS OUT THE FRONT DOOR. PRUE WANDERS BACK INTO THE HOUSE AND STARTS WALTZING... ALONE. JESSE SHIMMERS IN.  
  
JESSE: Kazaa- what the hell are you doing?!?  
PRUE: *faking it* Aiiiiiiiii!!!  
JESSE: Ooh! Did I scare ya? Did I? Did I?  
PRUE: Yes, terrorised me good!  
JESSE: Woohp! *merry jig. Imagine it.*  
PRUE: Indeed. So when're you actually going to try to kill me?  
JESSE: Stop pressurising me! This is my first day!  
  
HE SCREAMS AND REVERTS TO HIS DEMON FORM, FHEOEBIE.  
  
FHEOEBIE: Now look what you did to me!  
PRUE: Oh, look, Feebee's come to play!  
FHEOEBIE: Shut up shut up shut UP!  
PRUE: Why should I? Scared you'll turn into a lesbium like Phoebe?  
FHEOEBIE: *clutching at his head* STOP IT!  
PRUE: *singing* Feebee in his petticoat, Feebee in his gown, Feebee in his petticoat, going down the town!  
  
FHEOEBIE BOUNDS OVER TO PRUE, GRABS HER BY THE SHOULDERS, PINNING HER ARMS TO HER SIDE AND ROARS AT HER. SHE LOOKS SCARED, BUT EVEN MORE SLIGHTLY TURNED ON. THERE IS A HEATED SILENCE AS THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER, THEN FHEOEBIE REVERTS BACK TO HIS HUMAN FORM AND THEY END UP KISSING. EW! EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW... HEY IT'D BE FUNNY IF HE TURNED INTO FHEOEBIE... OH WELL.  
  
PRUE: Wow.  
JESSE: Well if I was a demon, consider me vanquished.  
PRUE: I'll bypass the fact that that didn't make any sense and repeat myself: wow.  
LIERRE(OS): I'm gonna get you, Jesse Feebee!  
JESSE: I think I'm done trying to kill you now.  
PRUE: I think I'm done!  
JESSE: Really? The kiss was that hot? Wow!  
PRUE: No, I mean the oven! I was cooking some of the leftover scraps of Steph... care to join me?  
JESSE: I'd love to.  
  
THEY EXIT TO THE KITCHEN AND WE FADE TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
  
VOICE OVER MAN: Looks like we may have found a new recurring character in P:I!  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Who, Steph?  
VOICE OVER MAN: No, that Jesse guy!  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Oh - you mean Fheoebie!  
VOICE OVER MAN: Yeah, that name always manages to find a way onto everything, doesn't it?  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Indeed. Phoebe is clearly the devil. 


	3. Do You Know The Way To Santa Fay? Is Tha...

PRUE INVESTIGATIONS 1.3: Do You Know The Way To Santa Fay? Is That Even Right?  
  
  
OPEN ON:  
  
THE UNDERWORLD. FOUR ROBED WARLOCKS STAND IN A CIRCLE. I'LL NAME THEM... UH, WON, TOO, THRIE AND FOWR.  
  
WON: So, this Prue the Charmeded One has returned from beyond.  
TOO: She has powers unheard of, and so soon after her reawakening.  
THRIE: So it shall be that she will only get stronger. Perhaps it is in our best interests to strike sooner rather than when she has built up friendships and alliances.  
FOWR: Yes - the half demon Jesse has already fallen to her 'charms' - pardon the pun.  
WON: Your pun is not excused! I have a loathing of the word 'pun'! Burn!  
  
WON FLAMES FOWR. ANOTHER WARLOCK QUICKLY TAKES HIS PLACE. LET'S CALL HIM PHIVE.  
  
PHYRE: Hey, that's almost as lame as my name!  
KT(OS): The key word being 'almost'.  
  
PHYRE DISAPPEARS. HEHE... 'PHYRE'.  
  
PHIVE: At your service, brothers.   
TOO: We should build up our strength, using our four powers, the four quarters, and strike when she expects it not.  
THRIE: Yes, yes! Phive, are you prepared to accept the power and resonsibility that comes with controlling water and it's elements?  
PHIVE: Does Phoebe have fleas? Hell yes!  
WON: So it shall be! Once again, the brothers of the elements will rise to former glory! We shall take down Prue, then move onto her sisters. They shall be easy targets once we've tested our strength on the eldest.  
THRIE: Wariness be with us, though. I have been informed the new Charmeded Ones have recently acquired the knowledge that Prue may still live. They will be on the lookout. What if Prue finds out about our attack and warns them?  
TOO: The only other person who knows about us is dead!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
TOO: Fowr, you idiums!  
ALL: Oh yeah.  
WON: I flamed him good. The power of fire resides strong in my person!  
PHIVE: And water shall swell and drown them like the little spanish rats they are!  
TOO: My wind will blow them away!  
  
THE OTHER WARLOCKS GIGGLE.  
  
TOO: Oh don't be so immature! Let us train! We attack Prue soon!  
  
ROLL CREDITS. *sings along* LA LA LA LA FIGHTING CRIME. LA LA DEMONS ALL THE TIME. HEE I LUBB IT.  
  
SCENE:  
  
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION - KITCHEN. PRUE IS REFURBISHING, AND SHE YELLS AT THE DELIVERY MEN. A LOT.  
  
PRUE: Okay, put the new fridge over there. Come on, I want you to put your back into it so hard you'll have to claim insurance compensation on permenant spinal injuries! Hmm... okay I decided I like it better back over there. Come on, come on, I could TK it faster than you! Hold on, why did I hire you people when I could use my magical power to do it for free?   
  
JESSE SHIMMERS IN. NOBODY BATS AN EYELID.  
  
JESSE: Redecorating, huh? (to the workmen) Put that cooker by that window.  
PRUE: Excuse me! This is my house!  
JESSE: Yes, and it's a travesty!  
  
PRUE GRABS JESSE BY THE ARM AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE LIVING ROOM.  
  
PRUE: Just what do you think you're doing, shimmering in in front of the mortals?  
JESSE: You just told them all you had magical powers!  
PRUE: What, so you're eavesdropping now?  
JESSE: I only came to say hi. And uh, to kind of, um, ask something.  
PRUE: Well I'm waiting.  
JESSE: I, uh, well, I was um wondering, if you could... if you WOULD, um, kinda take me on as a member of Prue Investigations.  
PRUE: Oh no. No way.  
JESSE: Aw, come on Prue! I've got the muscle! The attitude! I'm half demon so I could use my demon form to gain the trust of other evil beings and infiltrate their operations! And I'm stunningly good looking!  
PRUE: That's what Cole said and look where that got him.  
JESSE: Cole?  
PRUE: He's dead.  
JESSE: Oh. Really?  
PRUE: I dunno. We've vanquished him so many times and he's come back it's hard to keep track. But straying from the point: no.  
JESSE: Why not?  
PRUE: Because! I can't trust you! Two weeks ago I let Bucklands Guy join P:I and I haven't seen him since last week!  
JESSE: Bucklands who?  
PRUE: He's dead.  
JESSE: Oh. Really?  
PRUE: I dunno! I haven't seen him for a week, have I? Though I DID hear a dubious yelling sound coming from that open manhole just outside my house. Oh well.  
JESSE: Okay, I won't be like Bucko, I promise. I'll be bigger, better, funnier, and a better lay than him!  
PRUE: Oh, like that's hard.  
JESSE: Believe me, it is baby.  
PRUE: Ew! This show may be more grown up, but kids still watch it!  
JESSE: Oh, it's innuendo! They're too stupid to understand! At least we won't have to rely on the sex appeal of the main character like Relic Hunter, because firstly it's pathetic and desperate, and secondly... well... you're kinda...  
PRUE: Kinda what, exactly?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
JESSE: Uh... what's brown and sticky?  
PRUE: Oh ha ha.  
JESSE: See? Razor-sharp wit, that's me! Come on. I'll be better than anyone else. Piper, Phoebe, Paige, all of them put together, I'll be better.  
PRUE: How do you know about them?  
JESSE: Well I naturally read all these secret police files written about you.  
PRUE: Why do you keep prying into my life?  
JESSE: Well, I met you, so I felt that naturally it was my job to make it a little bit of my business.  
PRUE: Why?  
JESSE: Because I care for you!  
PRUE: Okay then, but nobody's even told me your name yet!  
JESSE: You already know my name - Jesse!  
PRUE: Oh yeah, and your demon form is Feebee!  
JESSE: SHUT UP WITH THE FEEBEE!  
  
JESSE TURNS INTO HIS DEMON FORM, FHEOEBIE.  
  
FHEOEBIE: Gah! You keep doing this to me!  
PRUE: I like your demon side. It's exciting. Dangerous. Erotic.  
FHEOEBIE: Really?  
PRUE: Hell yes. Then again, I've been dead for months and I haven't got laid in... well... a while. I'm aroused by most things.  
FHEOEBIE: What, like this kipper?  
  
FHEOEBIE HOLDS UP A KIPPER.  
  
PRUE: Ooh baybay.  
FHEOEBIE: Wow. What about this asphalt?  
PRUE: Wow... man, that is doing crazy things to me.  
FHEOEBIE: Cool! What about the smell of this sulfer?  
PRUE: Oh AP, I'm so phcuking hot!  
FHEOEBIE: Hey she even swore!  
PRUE: Charmeded style.  
FHEOEBIE: Right. What about Paige's panties?  
  
HE HOLDS UP SAID UNDERWEAR ITEM.   
  
PRUE: And suddenly the mood is killed.  
  
PRUE SETS FIRE TO THE OFFENSIVE UNDERWEAR.  
  
PRUE: I don't think I've ever been more turned off.  
FHEOEBIE: Damn! I should've quit at the sulfer and taken her then!  
PRUE: Bit late now, studbucket.  
  
FHEOEBIE TURNS BACK INTO JESSE.  
  
PRUE: So, other than shimmering, what exactly are your demonic powers?  
JESSE: Well, I've got that whole energy ball thing going, of course, and also, well, I see the future.  
PRUE: Oh! So your demonic name is Feebee for a reason!  
JESSE: Ignoring! But yeah, sadly enough, I get premonitions. However, I have something else as well!  
  
PRUE WATCHES JESSE EXPECTANTLY.  
  
JESSE: Oh, right, you want me to tell you!  
PRUE: Uh, yeah.  
JESSE: Well, aside from shimmering, energy balls and premonition, I also have a sort of form of mind control. For a temporary amount of time, I can make you think anything I want you to.  
PRUE: Oh yeah? Prove it.  
JESSE: Okay!  
  
JESSE CLOSES HIS EYES AND CONCENTRATES. PRUE WATCHES HIM SCEPTICALLY. THEN A HUGE EXPLOSION SHAKES THE F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION AND IT BEGINS TO CRUMBLE TO THE GROUND. WITH A SCREAM, PRUE THROWS HERSELF DOWN IN TERROR. THEN, JUST AS QUICKLY AS THE EARTHQUAKE STARTED, IT STOPS, AND THE HOUSE MAGICALLY IS NORMAL AGAIN! JESSE OPENS HIS EYES.  
  
JESSE: I heard you screaming. Believe me now?  
PRUE: Uh... earthquakes never bothered me that much.  
JESSE: Really? Thet always gave me the jeebies.  
PRUE: Would that be the Feebee Jeebies?  
JESSE: Well aren't you on the ball with the Feebee jokes today, little miss know all?  
PRUE: Yes... that joke was original and up to the minute...  
  
THE DOORBELL RINGS.  
  
PRUE: I have a doorbell?  
  
PRUE GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR. WE SEE HER COMPLETE SHOCK AND HORROR AS SHE ANSWERS THE DOOR AND IT IS-  
  
PRUE: Penance!?!  
PENANCE: Hey, sis!  
  
PENANCE SKIPS INTO THE HOUSE AND IMMEDIATELY STARTS DOING MISCHIEF FOR FUN. SUCH JAPES AS TIPPING OVER LAMPS AND CLOSING THE CURTAINS ARE HER IDEA OF 'MISCHIEF'. WHAT A BRAT!  
  
JESSE: Um, who's this shrimp?  
PRUE: Just my miserable brat of a sister, Penance. What are you doing here, runt?  
PENANCE: The usual.  
PRUE: Mischief for fun?  
PENANCE: You got it! Now where's your bubble bath? I want to put green dye in it, then I want to find Piper's secret supply of candy and-  
PRUE: Uh Penance? Piper doesn't live here. This is the f*ck off YELLOW mansion. In LA. Piper's house, the f*ck off PINK mansion, is in SF.  
PENANCE: Oh... how come you don't live together anymore? Did my mischief I did for fun break you apart?  
PRUE: Enough with the mischief for fun you miserable witch!  
PENANCE: But why don't you live with Phoebe and Piper anymore?  
PRUE: Where have you been the last three years?  
  
PENANCE SHRUGS.  
  
PRUE: I died, and you have a new sister, Paige now. In San Franciso. You should go... sometime today.  
PENANCE: You died and you didn't even tell them you were alive?  
PRUE: How can I? It'll be too much for them!  
JESSE: The miserable brat has a point, Prue. Maybe you should let your sisters know you're continuing the legacy. They deserve it, don't they? I mean, you died so abruptly they didn't even get to say goodbye I'll bet.  
PRUE: Yes... that's how it happened... not like they plotted to kill me or anything and decided not to at the last minute when Shaks attacked and finished the job anyway. All because I slept with Leo. Honestly.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: What's brown and sticky?  
JESSE: You should visit them. I'll hold the fort here. I can get up to all sorts of shannenigans while you're gone!  
PRUE: Oh I'll be back by the next episode.  
PENANCE: There goes my plans of mischief for fun!  
JESSE: I'll second that.  
PRUE: Well, you guys convinced me. I'm randomly going to San Francisco... so you guys gotta look after yourselves.  
JESSE: Can I come to see your hot sisters?  
PENANCE: Yeah yeah hot sisters!  
PRUE: Since when were you an incestuous lesbium?  
PENANCE: Since my character doesn't really have any personality! Don't leave me with him!  
JESSE: No, leave her. Then the raping will begin.   
  
PRUE GLARES.  
  
JESSE: Just kidding!  
PENANCE: I wanna see my sisters so I can do mischief for fun!  
JESSE: But then won't Phoebe suggest you get locked in a room with a horny demon?  
PENANCE: *suggestively* Well, Jesse, if you were the demon then can't say I'd mind!  
  
PRUE SLAPS PENANCE.  
  
PRUE: Miserable witch! Brat! Miserable brat! Witch!  
  
SHE CONTINUES.  
  
JESSE: Uh oh... you stuck Prue on loop.  
PENANCE: Yes! And here was me thinking that I'd dried up on the old mischief for fun thing!  
  
PRUE IS STILL GOING. EVENTUALLY JESSE SLAPS HER.   
  
PRUE: Oh man, thanks.  
JESSE: Any time.  
  
SUDDENLY JESSE HAS A PREMONITION.  
  
* * *  
  
FOUR WARLOCKS WHO CONTROL THE ELEMENTS, EARTH, AIR, FIRE AND WATER ARE ATTACKING PRUE AND JESSE, USING THE NATURAL POWER OF THE FOUR ELEMENTS TO REALLY SMASH THE TWO IDIUMS.   
  
* * *  
  
PRUE WATCHES JESSE SCREAM IN PAIN AND REVERT TO HIS DEMON FORM, FHEOEBIE, TO HELP HIM COPE WITH THE AGONY OF HIS VISION. WHEN IT'S OVER, JESSE COLLAPSES.  
  
PRUE: Oh AP, Jesse, maybe I shouldn't go. What did you see?  
JESSE: It was... it was nothing.  
PRUE: Oh come on, people don't have premonitions to tell them the toast is burning. There must be something big going on!  
JESSE: Prue, really. It's nothing. Look, go to Frisco, and if I think it's important, I'll tell you when you come back. Right now, I have a house to refurbish and a miserable brat to think up a punishment for.  
PRUE: Locking her in a room with a horny demon usually does the trick. Actually... maybe it doesn't! I mean, if she really hated getting raped by a demon then surely after the first time she'd learn not to get up to mischief for fun! But she does it countless times and continues to still do it!  
  
PAUSE.  
  
JESSE: So... should I still lock her in a room with a horny demon?  
PRUE: May as well. Then the raping will begin.  
JESSE: Sounds great! So... you'll be back soon?  
  
JESSE TAKES PRUE IN HIS ARMS. HIS STRONG, MUSCLY ARMS. MMM... PRUE GRINS.  
  
PRUE: Before the next episode, I'll be back. Well, I'll be a little late to give this show a sense of time, okay?  
JESSE: That's fine. There might be a few changes around here when you get back.  
PRUE: *concerned* Really? Like what?  
JESSE: Well, your business sign for one.  
  
PRUE LOOKS AT THE TATTY PIECE OF PAPER PINNED ON HER DOOR SAYING "PRUE INVESTIGATIONS" ON IT.  
  
PRUE: What's wrong with it?  
  
JESSE PRODUCES A BRONZE BUSINESS SIGN WITH THE WORDS "PRUE INVESTIGATIONS HEADED BY PRUE HALLIWELL WITH THE ASSISTANCE OF JESSE BARTER."  
  
PRUE: Wow, that's beautiful! Barter, huh?  
JESSE: Well, Jesse Barter was the name of a guy I once killed. And, you know, if you play it over in your head, Prue Barter doesn't sound too bad.  
OLLY(OS): Yeah baybay!  
PRUE: Oh, you.  
  
SHE PLAYFULLY HITS HIM.  
  
PRUE: People aren't gonna like you.  
JESSE: People?  
PRUE: Yeah, the viewers of P:I. The tend to have a general loathing of people who are nice. Or in Stephanie's case, people who *I* like. She just could never settle for giving me a happily ever after! So I ate her.  
JESSE: You'll get one - a happily ever after, that is, one day I swear. Now go to San Fran.  
  
SMILING, PRUE ORBS OUT.  
  
JESSE: And when you can come back, I can tell you you're about to die at the hands of the Brothers of the Elements.  
  
SUDDENLY, JESSE IS SURROUNDED BY A RING OF FLAMES AND DISAPPEARS, SCREAMING. PENANCE WALKS IN.  
  
PENANCE: Hello? Jesse? Prue?  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PENANCE: Great! Time to do some mischief for fun!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
UNDERWORLD - CONTINUOUS. THE FOUR BROTHERS OF THE ELEMENTS ARE STILL STANDING IN THE CIRCLE-  
  
THRIE: My legs hurt!  
  
YES, I CAN IMAGINE THEY DO.  
  
THRIE: I've been standing for ages!  
  
OKAY. POOR YOU. NOW THEY'RE-  
  
THRIE: Hey! If you're gonn sympathise with me here at least do it with some conviction! "Poor you" isn't gonna cut it!   
  
*SIGH* IT'S HORRIBLE! THRIE IS SO TIRED FROM STANDING HE MIGHT DIE, AS MIGHT WE ALL!  
  
THRIE: That's better.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
THRIE: Now continue.  
  
... THANKS. ANYWAY, THEY'RE STILL THERE WHEN JESSE APPEARS IN A RING OF FIRE IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM. ONCE HE HAS FULLY FORMED AND THE FLAMES GONE, HE LOOKS AROUND HIM WILDLY.  
  
JESSE: What do you want with me? Why have you summoned me?  
WON: So the mighty Fheoebie has resorted to consorting with witches now? Hey a rhyme!  
JESSE: It's... it's not like that. No - it is! I am! I'm good now!  
PHIVE: We shall see.  
  
PHIVE THROWS AN ENERGY BALL AT JESSE.  
  
PHIVE: Speak to us in your demon form!  
  
THE ENERGY BALL HITS, AND IN HIS PAIN, JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOEBIE.  
  
FHEOEBIE: Now look what you have done! Whenever I'm a demon, I feel an inexplicable urge to be evil come over me! And I probably shouldn't have told you that.  
TOO: Fheoebie, you will defy your witch and rejoin us, and help us destroy the Charmeded Ones once and for all!  
FHEOEBIE: Never!  
  
THE FOUR BROTHERS BEGIN TO CLOSE UP ON HIM. WE FADE OUT ON HIS TERRIFIED SCREAM.  
  
FADE TO:  
  
BLACK.   
  
TOLD YOU WE FADED OUT.  
  
  
  
VOICE OVER MAN: Oh no! Prue's gone and Jesse's helpless against the brothers of the elements!  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Why I can barely watch!  
VOICE OVER MAN: Well that's fine, since the episode is over, idium!  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: Ohhh... that's why we're suddenly talking now. Sometimes I forget.  
VOICE OVER MAN: *sigh* 


	4. The Big Fish

A/N: Shannen told me that if ratings for this show don't improve she's taking it down - and Charmeded. I'm only the messenger!  
  
  
PRUE INVESTIGATIONS 1.4: The Big Fish  
  
  
  
PRUE(VO): Previously on Prue Investigations.  
  
* * *  
  
PRUE GRABS JESSE BY THE ARM AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE LIVING ROOM.  
  
PRUE: Just what do you think you're doing, shimmering in in front of the mortals?  
JESSE: I, uh, well, I was um wondering, if you could... if you WOULD, um, kinda take me on as a member of Prue Investigations.  
PRUE: Oh no. No way.  
  
* * *  
  
PRUE: I'm aroused by most things.  
FHEOEBIE: What, like this kipper?  
  
FHEOEBIE HOLDS UP A KIPPER.  
  
PRUE: Ooh baybay.  
  
* * *  
  
THE DOORBELL RINGS.  
  
PRUE: I have a doorbell?  
  
PRUE GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR. WE SEE HER COMPLETE SHOCK AND HORROR AS SHE ANSWERS THE DOOR AND IT IS-  
  
PRUE: Penance!?!  
  
* * *  
  
SUDDENLY JESSE HAS A PREMONITION.  
  
*   
  
FOUR WARLOCKS WHO CONTROL THE ELEMENTS, EARTH, AIR, FIRE AND WATER ARE ATTACKING PRUE AND JESSE, USING THE NATURAL POWER OF THE FOUR ELEMENTS TO REALLY SMASH THE TWO IDIUMS.   
  
* * *  
  
PRUE: Well, you guys convinced me. I'm randomly going to San Francisco  
  
SMILING, PRUE ORBS OUT.  
  
* * *  
  
SUDDENLY, JESSE IS SURROUNDED BY A RING OF FLAMES AND DISAPPEARS, SCREAMING. PENANCE WALKS IN.  
  
PENANCE: Hello? Jesse? Prue?  
  
* * *   
  
JESSE APPEARS IN A RING OF FIRE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOUR BROTHERS OF THE ELEMENTS. ONCE HE HAS FULLY FORMED AND THE FLAMES GONE, HE LOOKS AROUND HIM WILDLY.  
  
JESSE: What do you want with me? Why have you summoned me?  
WON: So the mighty Fheoebie has resorted to consorting with witches now?   
JESSE: It's... it's not like that. No - it is! I am! I'm good now!  
  
PHIVE THROWS AN ENERGY BALL AT JESSE.  
  
PHIVE: Speak to us in your demon form!  
  
THE ENERGY BALL HITS, AND IN HIS PAIN, JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOEBIE.  
  
TOO: Fheoebie, you will defy your witch and rejoin us, and help us destroy the Charmeded Ones once and for all!  
FHEOEBIE: Never!  
  
THE FOUR BROTHERS BEGIN TO CLOSE UP ON HIM. WE FADE OUT ON HIS TERRIFIED SCREAM.  
  
* * *  
  
FADE TO:   
  
BLACK.  
  
THAT RECAP TOOK UP A NICE AMOUNT OF SPACE!  
  
SCENE:  
  
THE UNDERWORLD - SUBTITLE: "FIVE DAYS LATER". WE ARE IN ONE OF THE 'LAVISHLY DECORATED' CAVES OF THE UNDERWORLD. IT IS EMPTY UNTIL:  
  
JESSE(OS): Get away from me!  
  
JESSE APPEARS AND RUNS IN, BUT FINDS HIMSELF CORNERED IN THE ROOM BY - A YAPPING DOG.  
  
DOG: Yip! Yap! Yip!  
JESSE: Aiii! Get it off! Call it off!  
  
WON, TOO AND PHIVE ENTER.  
  
WON: Okay McGowan, thats enough.  
  
THE DOG SUBSIDES AND SCAMPERS OFF. HA! GEDDIT? I CALLED IT MCGOWAN! I'M BASICALLY SAYING ROSE MCGOWAN IS A DOG! OH GOD, I'M SOOOOOOOO FREAKIN HILARIOUS! ... ABOUT AS HILARIOUS AS A CANDLE THAT'S JUST GONE OUT FOR NO PARTICULAR REASON.  
  
PHIVE: Have you reconsidered yet Jesse? Either way, your precious witch shall burn. If you aid us, it would simply ensure that you live. What do you say?  
  
LONG PAUSE AS JESSE MULLS THIS OVER. LOOKING DOWN, HE THEN MORPHS INTO HIS DEMON HALF, FHEOEBIE.  
  
FHEOEBIE: I will join you.  
  
HE SHIMMERS OUT. THRIE, THE FOURTH BROTHER, BLINKS IN.  
  
THRIE: Well?  
TOO: He will aid us and kill his precious witch. Then we shall kill him.  
  
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!   
  
FADE TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
THRIE(OS): Why do people always call them "precious" witches?  
  
PAUSE.  
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
SCENE:  
  
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION - DAY. PENANCE IS SCRAMBLING ABOUT UNDER THE FLOORBOARDS FOR SOME REASON. THEN SHE TELEPORTS IN (THAT'S HER POWER, DONTCHA KNOW?) AND STANDS LOOKING BLANK. JESSE SHIMMERS IN.  
  
PENANCE: Oh my AP! You're a demon!  
JESSE: No sh*t, Sherlock.  
PENANCE: Can I get locked in a room with you?  
JESSE: I'm not horny.  
  
JESSE CONJOURS UP AN ENERGY BALL AND POINTS HIS HAND AT PENANCE.  
  
PENANCE: Wh... what're you doing?  
JESSE: I'm sorry. I have to.  
  
JESSE LETS THE ENERGY BALL GO, AND IT SMASHES INTO PENANCE, KILLING HER INSTANTLY. JESSE REVERTS TO HIS DEMON FORM, FHEOEBIE.  
  
FHEOEBIE: That poor sweet miserable brat.  
  
HE PICKS HER BODY UP AND SHIMMERS OUT. PRUE ORBS IN.  
  
PRUE: Guys, I'm home!  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: Guys?  
  
SHE FINDS THE SCORCH MARK WHERE PENANCE WAS.  
  
PRUE: Oh my god... Jesse? Penance?  
  
JESSE SHIMMERS IN LOOKING GUILTY.  
  
PRUE: Oh, you're all right. Where's Penance?  
JESSE: I - she - uh... Prue. Penance is dead.  
  
CLOSE UP ON PRUE'S SHOCKED FACE. MMM... PRUE.  
  
PRUE: Dead?  
JESSE: Uh, demon, came and energy balled her back to hell. I couldn't stop him, I was at Pizza Hut.  
PRUE: Well, I can't blame you. The stuffed crust sure is delicious!  
JESSE: You're damn right there!  
  
THEY BOTH FACE THE CAMERA AND DO A THUMBS UP. PRUE KNEELS BESIDE THE SCORCH MARK.  
  
PRUE: Oh this is gonna stain!  
JESSE: Um Prue, your sister has just died!  
PRUE: Ah, there'll be another one to take her place. There always is.  
  
A KNIFE MATERIALISES IN JESSE'S HAND AND HE LOOKS AT IT, CONFUSED. HE KNOWS WHAT HE HAS TO DO. PRUE TURNS AROUND AND SEES IT.  
  
PRUE: Oh, thanks.  
  
SHE TAKES THE KNIFE FROM HIM AND STARTS TO SCRAPE AT THE STAIN WITH IT. JESSE WIPES HIS BROW AND SHIMMERS OUT.  
  
PRUE: So did you miss me?  
  
ON NO REPLY, PRUE TURNS AROUND AND SEES JESSE HAS GONE. THE FRONT DOOR OPENS AND A WOMAN RUNS IN, BEFORE COLLAPSING TO THE GROUND. SHE HUDDLES UP AND SHIVERS, WHIMPERING.  
  
PRUE: Hey hey hey! This ain't no squatting house!  
WOMAN: *looks around* Really?  
PRUE: Get out!  
WOMAN: I need your help! Angel Investigations has a queue.  
PRUE: Great start to asking for my assistance.  
WOMAN: Oh please, you're obviously desperate!  
PRUE: I have a brass metal plaque thingy on the door!  
WOMAN: It's a tatty old piece of paper, and 'Investigations' isn't even spelt correctly. And unless your name is Poopy, then that's also misspelled.   
  
PAUSE. PRUE GOES TO LOOK.  
  
PRUE(OS): Penance!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
THE UNDERWORLD. JESSE SHIMMERS IN AND BUMPS INTO-  
  
COLE: Oh. Hello.  
JESSE: Evening.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
BOTH: Weren't you supposed to be dead?  
COLE: Quiet!  
JESSE: Shh!  
COLE: So, the infamous Fheoebie has teamed up with a witch, I hear?  
JESSE: Only learning from the best, Belthazor. Besides, not that it matters, my witch is better than yours.  
COLE: She is not!  
JESSE: Is too!  
COLE: Is not!  
JESSE: Is too!  
COLE: Is not!  
JESSE: Is too!  
COLE: Is not!  
JESSE: Is too!  
COLE: Is not!  
  
OKAY... THIS IS GONNA GO ON.   
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION - LIVING ROOM. PRUE GIVES THE WOMAN A CUP OF TEA.  
  
PRUE: It's jasmine.  
WOMAN: Don't you have any camomile?  
PRUE: Oh, the memories! My sisters and I used to drink camomile all the stinkin' time!  
  
PRUE BURSTS INTO TEARS. THEN STOPS.  
  
PRUE: Anyways. What can I do you for? And what's your name?  
WOMAN: Oh, it's Fee. Fee Bay.  
PRUE: ANOTHER PHEOBE???  
FEE: No, Fee Bay. It's two words. Just call me Fee.  
  
BY NOW PRUE IS QUIVERING ON THE FLOOR, HAVING ONE OF THOSE SEIZURES WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE.  
  
PRUE: Feebee, Phoebe, Fee Bay, Fheoebie, can't I escape?  
FEE: No. Now help me!  
  
PRUE REGAINS HER COMPOSURE.  
  
PRUE: Right. What's the problem?  
FEE: This... monster thingy is after me. I'm not sure how, but my daddy is rich and I think they're after his corporation-  
PRUE: I think you may have misunderstood what P:I is - we fight supernatural things, not corporate battles.  
FEE: No - these aren't normal people! They... they change when they think people aren't looking! Into, well, monsters! They have scaled skin and horns and, oh, please, help me! They've tried to kidnap me to hold me ransom to get my father to hand over the business, but I got away, so I came here. Please, I need you.  
  
SILENCE AS PRUE THINKS ABOUT THIS.  
  
PRUE: Okay. Let me ask you one thing: did one of them go by the name Paige?  
FEE: No. There was a Piper, a Phoebe, a Leo and a Cole, but no Paige.  
PRUE: Drat. Take me to where you were when they tried to kidnap you.  
FEE: Right. This way.  
PRUE: Hold on a second.  
  
PRUE RUBS AT HER TEMPLES THEN ORBS OUT.  
  
FEE: Oh my paige!  
  
PRUE ORBS BACK IN AND SLAPS FEE.  
  
PRUE: Thou shalt not worship a false god!  
  
PRUE THEN ORBS OUT AGAIN.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
ATTIC. PRUE APPEARS AND WANDERS ABOUT.  
  
PRUE: It'd be nice to have the Book here right about now. Oh well.  
  
SHE DROPS TO HER KNEES BESIDE A CHEST AND OPENS IT, LIFTING OUT A CROSSBOW AND A SWORD.  
  
PRUE: Man I'm tough. Tough like a buff rough... scuff. Okay enough. Oooh even that rhymed too! Tough, buff, rough, scuff, enough, I AM good!  
  
PRUE STRAPS ON A BELT WITH A SHEATH WHICH SHE PLACES THE SWORD IN AND ATTACHES THE CROSSBOW TO A SHOULDER STRAP, BEFORE ALSO STRAPPING THAT ON.   
  
PRUE: *manly voice* The girl likes strap-ons.  
  
WHAT? OH, QUIT YOUR MOANING. YOU WERE ALL THINKING IT AND GIGGLING AWAY INSIDE YOUR HEADS, AND PRUE JUST WANTS TO FIT IN, SO SHE CRACKS THE ODD DIRTY JOKE, IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU? GEEZ...  
  
PRUE: Yeah! You wouldn't get that sort of actor/audience relationship in Charmeded!  
  
OKAY PRUE, ENOUGH. JUST... CONTINUE. PRUE PUTS HER HAIR UP AND PUTS A RED SWEAT BAND ACROSS HER FOREHEAD. SHE THEN TAKES A BREATH AND ORBS OUT.  
  
CUT TO: LIVING ROOM. FEE IS STANDING LOOKING ANXIOUS WHEN PRUE ORBS IN. FEE SCREAMS.  
  
PRUE: Oh, sorry, I have powers too. But they're not evil.   
FEE: That's not why I was screaming.  
PRUE: Oh.   
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Jesse!  
  
SILENCE.  
  
PRUE: Huh. Wonder where he is. Oh well, let's go.  
  
THEY EXIT.   
  
CUT TO:  
  
UNDERWORLD. COLE AND JESSE ARE NOW IN THEIR DEMON FORMS.  
  
BELTHAZOR: Is not!  
FHEOEBIE: Is too!  
BELTHAZOR: Is not!  
FHEOEBIE: Is too!  
BELTHAZOR: Is not!  
FHEOEBIE: Is too!  
BELTHAZOR: Is not!  
FHEOEBIE: Is too!  
BELTHAZOR: Is not!  
FHEOEBIE: Is too!  
BELTHAZOR: Is... what were we arguing about? Oh yeah - is not!  
FHEOEBIE: Is too!  
  
BELTHAZOR WAVES HIS HAND AND PHOEBE RANDOMLY APPEARS.  
  
PHOEBE: Aii! Cole! I'm dressed! You can't see me like this!  
  
BELTHAZOR MORPHS INTO COLE.  
  
COLE: I've seen it before, sweetie, don't worry.  
  
HE TURNS TO FHEOEBIE, WHO IS NOW JESSE AGAIN.  
  
COLE: Now tell me she isn't better than your witch, Paige.  
JESSE: Paige? Pah! This is my witch!  
  
JESSE WAVES HIS HAND AND PRUE APPEARS, STILL RAMBOED UP. ANYONE ELSE WONDERING HOW COLE AND JESSE GOT THOSE POWERS?  
  
PRUE: Leave her alone you filthy demons!  
COLE: I wasn't touching her - Prue?  
ALL: PRUE!?!  
JESSE: Wait, I knew she was gonna appear.  
PHOEBE: And I knew she was alive.  
COLE: I didn't! Oh god, Jesse, you win!  
PRUE: What's he doing here?  
PHOEBE: Win at what?  
JESSE: Who has the better witch.  
PRUE: Jesse! *hits* I just lost us an innocent!  
COLE: Ha! Phoebe never loses innocents.  
PHOEBE: Inno-whats?  
PRUE: Well, I wouldn't have if happy-go-summon here wasn't so... happy.   
PHOEBE: Cole? Can we go have sex now?  
  
COLE LOOKS LONGINGLY AT PRUE THEN SHOOTS JESSE A DIRTY LOOK.  
  
COLE: *sighs* I guess so.  
  
PHOEBE SQUEALS IN DELIGHT AND BEFORE THEY HAVE EVEN SHIMMERED OUT, HER CLOTHES ARE OFF.  
  
PRUE: Ew.  
JESSE: Alone at last, huh?  
PRUE: What are you doing down here?  
  
SUDDENLY A WARLOCK BLINKS IN.  
  
PRUE: What the bug eyed freak paige!  
JESSE: Duck!  
  
HE PUSHES PRUE OVER AND THEN... COVERS HIS POCKETS WITH HIS HANDS?  
  
JESSE: It's a Bounty Hunter.  
PRUE: Shouldn't you be torching it right about now?  
  
THE BOUNTY HUNTER STARTS SNIFFING ABOUT ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES.  
  
JESSE: Oh, no, they're quite harmless really.  
  
THE BOUNTY HUNTER SCRAMBLES UP TO JESSE AND SNUFFLES AROUND AT HIS FEET, THEN STOPS, SMELLING SOMETHING. IT STARTS SNIFFING UP HIS LEG AND-  
  
JESSE: Hey! Stay out of there!  
  
WITH A SNARL OF JOY STROKE WEIRD TYPE OF ANGER, THE BOUNTY HUNTER STICKS HIS HAND IN JESSE'S POCKET AND PRODUCES A BOUNTY CHOCOLATE BAR, BEFORE SMIRKING AND BLINKING OUT.  
  
JESSE: Damn!  
PRUE: What the paige was that?  
JESSE: A Bounty Hunter. And I was looking forward to that coconut beauty. Prue, quick, I need a fix. Do you have any chocolate on you? Coconut?  
PRUE: Uh, sorry.  
JESSE: I NEED MY BOUNTY!  
  
JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOEBIE.  
  
FHEOEBIE: Grahhhhhh!  
PRUE: Well I need to save an innocent, so let's go.  
  
PRUE ORBS OUT. PAUSE. AP APPEARS. (ALL HAIL OUR GREAT GOD AP!)  
  
ASTRAL: And I'll get you a bounty once we're done.  
FHEOBEIE: *folds arms* No. Want one now.  
ASTRAL: *sighs*  
  
CUT TO:  
  
OFFICE BUILDING. PRUE AND JESSE ENTER. JESSE IS MUNCHING ON A BOUNTY. MAN I WANT A BOUNTY... REALLY I DO. *STARTS SNUFFLING ABOUT PEOPLE'S POCKETS* ANYWAYS. PRUE WALKS UP TO A RANDOM MAN AND TK'S HIM INTO THE WALL.  
  
PRUE: Take that, bizatch!  
JESSE: Fair enough.   
  
PRUE TAKES OUT SOME MORE RANDOM MEN IN MUCH THE SAME MANNER AS JESSE LOOKS ON. PRUE BURSTS INTO A ROOM AND SEES FEE BAY TIED TO A CHAIR WITH A RANDOM DEMON GROWLING AT HER.  
  
PRUE: Time to put the cat out.  
JESSE: Go. Prue.  
  
PRUE KILLS THE DEMON WITH HER BARE HANDS. YES. HER BARE. HANDS. WOW. WHAT A WOMAN. JESSE RANDOMLY TURNS INTO FHEOBIE.  
  
FHEOBIE: AP dammit!  
PRUE: What happened this time?  
FHEOBIE: Gah! I don't know!  
FEE: Can someone untie me?  
  
PRUE STARES.  
  
PRUE: Not in my job description.  
  
SHE ORBS OUT. FHEOBIE LOOKS AT FEE, SHRUGS AND SHIMMERS OUT.  
  
FEE: Feck.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION. PRUE AND FHEOBIE ORB/SHIMMER IN.  
  
PRUE: *singing* Fheobie in his petticoat, Fhoebie in his gown...  
FHOEBIE: SHUT UP!  
  
FHEOBIE CLUTCHES AT HIS HEAD. ANYBODY ELSE THINK WE'VE GOT A SERIOUSLY DERANGED DEMON ON OUR HANDS HERE? SUDDENLY HE CALMS DOWN AND REVERTS INTO JESSE, HIS LUBBLY HUMAN FORM.  
  
JESSE: Okay, this has been bothering me all episode. Have you changed your hair?  
PRUE: Yes, actually. I got an inch taken off it and shaped my bangs.  
KT(OS): Hehe 'bangs'.  
JESSE: And you didn't tell me?!?  
PRUE: Wha? It's just a haircut!   
JESSE: 'What' has a 'T' on the end, bizatch, and I can't believe you kept it quiet! This is huge!  
PRUE: But it's a-  
JESSE: Very big deal! Prue! You got your hair cut! Do you have any idea what this means?  
PRUE: Well no, actua-  
JESSE: Silence! I need some time alone to sort my head out.  
  
JESSE EXITS LEAVING PRUE STARING AFTER HIM, BAFFLED.  
  
FADE TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
VOICE OVER MAN: Wowo! Prue got a hair cut! It's incredible!  
VOICE OVER WOMAN: I can't believe how much more serious and angsty Prue: Investigations is than Charmeded. Really this is heavy going. Sometimes it actually hurts to watch!  
VOICE OVER MAN: I just don't know how KT's going to handle what the next couple of episodes are going to entail now, because everybody's going to be reeling after this one.  
  
  
YOU DAMN WELL BETTER BE REELING RIGHT. NOW. 


	5. Mmm Pringles

Anon: RE your Charmeded "review". A) You don't know the half of it... literally. And B) at least Kit isn't scared of KT :-P *considers telling Anon The Secret* Oh, the people-who-know, how much would Anon die? *grabs knife*  
  
A/N: BoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOO! Anyways. That's us over halfway through the series! Are ya upset? Are ya? Huh? Huh?  
  
*  
  
PRUE: INVESTIGATIONS 1.05: MMM... PRINGLES  
  
*  
  
INT. KITCHEN. PRUE AND JESSE ARE HANGING ABOUT. NAKED.  
  
PRUE: Where's Penance?  
JESSE: She died.  
PRUE: Oh. Where's Lierre?  
JESSE: He died.  
PRUE: Oh. Where's Bucko?  
JESSE: Died.  
PRUE: Is everbody dying round here?  
JESSE: Pretty much yeah. I think it's cos we're playing all these death roulette games.  
PRUE: Well let's just play a nice safe game.  
JESSE: Ooh! How about 'Catch The Knife'!  
PRUE: Yay! With machetes and rabid dogs?  
JESSE: Oh that's the dangerous version. I'd prefer to play safe, like you already said.  
  
PRUE SLAPS HER FOREHEAD. SUDDENLY YELLOW ORBS FLOW IN THROUGH THE WINDOW AND SLPIT UP, BEFORE DISAPPEARING INTO PRUE AND JESSE. CONFUSED, THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.  
  
JESSE: What the hell was that? Jesse asked.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Uh, what? Prue replied uncertainly.   
  
PAUSE.  
  
JESSE: Why are we describing stuff? Jesse demanded. I can't stop myself!  
PRUE: Prue felt confusion rise up inside her. I don't know, she told Jesse, but I don't like it either.   
JESSE: Well duh, Jesse spat, We could say anything and reveal secret feelings! Like how I love Prue, Jesse added as a thought in his head.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Prue already knew that Jesse loved her, and chooses to ignore it. Ah crap, Prue cried, this blows!  
JESSE: I don't get it... what's this all about? Jesse enquired.  
PRUE: Well... somebody's cast a spell on us to make us narrate ourselves in the third person, Prue exclaimed!  
JESSE: Jesse looked at Prue apprehensively. But that's impossible, he cried. And just plain weird, he added with stunning charm.  
  
... OKAY, IF THEY KEEP DOING THIS, LOOKS LIKE I'M OUT OF A JOB.  
  
PRUE: Eep, Prue whimpered. She then slapped Jesse.  
  
PRUE SLAPS JESSE.  
  
JESSE: After slapping him, Prue realised she couldn't deny her undeniable attraction to Jesse any longer.  
  
NOTHING HAPPENS.  
  
PRUE: It's just you, doofus, Prue spat with disgust. You only narrate your own actions, she added by way of explanation just in case Jesse was too thick to get it.  
JESSE: Okay, I don't like this, Jesse whined, trying to disguise the stupendous fear residing inside him. It makes me sound like a wimp.  
PRUE: Perhaps it's because you are a wimp, Prue muttered sassily. Ooh, I didn't know I could mutter sassily, she added, with double the sass.  
JESSE: Jesse looked upset. How come you come out cool and sassy and I seem like a whiny asshole? he whined.  
PRUE: Prue didn't need to answer. But she did. Because you are a whiny asshole, and I am cool and sassy!  
JESSE: This is making me frustrated! Jesse yelled and turned into Fheobie.  
  
JESSE... TURNS INTO FHEOBIE. YEAH.  
  
PRUE: With a determined look on her face, Prue stared hard at Fheobie. We have to get to the bottom of this, she told him. This is just gonna put KT out of a job and since Charmeded doesn't belong to her anymore, she's kinda paiged if she doesn't have this.  
  
NODDING, FHEOBIE TURNS BACK INTO JESSE AND THEN GRABS PRUE'S... HAIR, AND THEY SHIMMER OUT. SECONDS LATER, THEY SHIMMER BACK IN.  
  
JESSE: Uh, maybe we should put some clothes on, Jesse suggested nervously.  
  
FADE TO:  
  
BLACK.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
SOME RANDOM CAVE. JESSE SHIMMERS IN CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY PRUE WITH A SOUR LOOK ON HER FACE.  
  
JESSE: Why did you orb out of my shimmer? Jesse asked, somewhat annoyed.  
PRUE: You were groping me! Prue yelled.  
JESSE: Jesse frowned then shut the phuck up. So do you think this is the place? he asked.  
  
PRUE STARTS EXPLORING THE CAVE.  
  
PRUE: Well this is where the scry took us so I guess so, Prue replied.  
  
THERE IS A HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE FROM SOMEWHERE IN THE CAVE.   
  
PRUE: Wait a minute, Prue growled, I recognise that voice.  
  
SHE RUNS FURTHER INTO THE CAVE AND JESSE FOLLOWS.  
  
CUT TO: INT. CAVE - CONTINUOUS, BIG CAVERNOUS ROOM. PHOEBE OF CHARMEDED 'FAME' IS SITTING ON A BIG... ROCK. JESSE AND PRUE ENTER.  
  
PHOEBE: I've been expecting you.  
PRUE: Well duh, Prue spat, you cast this phrickin' spell on us.   
JESSE: Yeah, said Jesse, because he didn't know what else to say. Then he did: why'd ya do it?  
PHOEBE: Oh you poor sweet innocent fools. It's obvious.   
  
SILENCE.  
  
PHOEBE: Oh, right. The reason is... no reason, I was just bored over at Charmeded. I mean, Jaded.   
PRUE: Jade even changed the name of the show? Prue cried.  
PHOEBE: Yup. The new episode's on tomorrow, you should see how she's butchered it. If you thought it was bad when KT ran the show... jebus it's awful. Except there's a great scene in a week's time with me, and holding hands with Vi-  
KT(OS): Okay, okay ENOUGH! I don't want to hear anything about that phucking show! I'm taking it back I tells ya! Now get on with it or Phoebe you're phired!  
PHOEBE: *sigh* Phine. Okay, yeah, so, in typical feebee style, I cast a little spell.  
JESSE: Well duh! Jesse spat.   
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Well, whorebe, Prue began, phun as it is to narrate ourselves in the third person, make it stop or I'll kill ya.  
PHOEBE: Oh. Okay.   
  
PHOEBE CLICKS HER FINGERS.  
  
JESSE: Uh... did it work?  
PRUE: That's it? All you had to do was snap your phingers? We could've done that?  
PHOEBE: Yup.  
PRUE: I'll show you how a phinger is really snapped, Phoebeast! Grahh!  
  
PRUE JUMPS ON FEEBEE AND STARTS BREAKING HER PHINGERS. SCREAMING IN PAIN, FEEBEE SHIMMERS OUT.  
  
JESSE: Meh.  
PRUE: You know what Jesse? This is all your phault.  
JESSE: Me? How?  
PRUE: Duh, because you're the one I'm choosing to blame, doofus.  
JESSE: You phrustrating bizatch!  
  
JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOBIE.  
  
FHEOBIE: You suck.  
PRUE: You suck liek a 'lyssie'.  
  
FHEOBIE BECOMES JESSE.  
  
JESSE: You always beat me to that one, huh?  
PRUE: I have sisters.  
JESSE: So did I. Yep, Shrew, Schmeiper, Shmeebie and Shmaige. They're long dead though.  
PRUE: Oh, Jesse, I'm sorry.  
JESSE: It's okay. After all, I was the one who killed them.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Oh... kay.   
  
THEY ORB AND SHIMMER OUT.  
  
CUT TO: INT. F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION, PRUE'S BEDROOM. PRUE SHIMMERS INTO THE BED AND FALLS ASLEEP. JESSE ORBS ON TOP OF HER.  
  
JESSE: Oh HOW did I land here?  
  
NO REACTION PHROM PRUE.  
  
JESSE: Uh, Prue?  
  
LIKE I SAID, SHE'S ASLEEP.  
  
JESSE: Aww... I better just let her sleep.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
JESSE STARTS COUGHING *REALLY* LOUDLY.  
  
JESSE: *hopeful* Oh, I didn't wake you up did I?  
  
NOPE. SHE'S STILL ASLEEP.  
  
JESSE: Curses...  
  
HE "PRUEDUCES" A DRUM FROM HIS... HAIR. AND BEATS IT.  
  
JESSE: Beats what?  
  
HE PLAYS A DRUM ROLL. FOOL. BY NOW PRUE HAS WOKEN UP.  
  
PRUE: Was I dreaming or did I hear a really bad but smutty joke?   
JESSE: Perhaps both.  
PRUE: Shimmer us to the circus, I can't be bothered orbing.  
JESSE: What circus?  
PRUE: THE circus!  
JESSE: But you haven't mentioned anything about any circus all episode! Nyahh Prue you mess my head up so good! AHHHHH!  
  
JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOBIE.  
  
PRUE: Oh don't be such a drama queen.  
  
FHOEBIE BECOMES JESSE AGAIN.  
  
JESSE: So just any old random circus?  
  
PRUE NODS. JESSE HOLDS PRUE AND CONCENTRATES. NOTHING HAPPENS.  
  
PRUE: What the paige?  
JESSE: My powers aren't working!  
PRUE: How?   
JESSE: I don't know Prue, I just can't seem to use my powers! It's like, like I've had a power cut or something.   
  
PRUE DOES A LITTLE DRUM ROLL FOR HIM.  
  
PRUE: Okay, we'll fix it, right?  
JESSE: We better.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Well don't just stand there!  
  
JESSE SHUFFLES OVER A LITTLE.  
  
JESSE: Can I stand here then?  
  
PRUE SLAPS HER FOREHEAD.   
  
PRUE: Honestly... I get a new haircut and you all go crazy!  
JESSE: Hap! YOU'RE the one who has a totally new look and who disrupted the entire time/space continuem! It's probably your fault I have no powers! Who do you think you are? Phoebe?  
PRUE: Ew! No, she like, chopped her hair off, I just got a frelling trim!  
JESSE: The trim that destroyed the world!  
  
JESSE TURNS INTO FHEOBIE. PRUE ROLLS HER EYES AND SIGHS.  
  
FHEOBIE: Don't you see? We're all gonna die down here?  
PRUE: Down where? We're not 'down' anywhere!  
FHEOBIE: *suggestively* You wanna go down?  
  
PRUE SLAPS HIM.  
  
PRUE: Ew I got Fhoebie slime on my hand.  
FHEOBIE: I'm not slimy!  
PRUE: Then what is this white, sticky- ewww!  
FHEOBIE: *shrugs* Not my problem. Anymore.   
PRUE: ANYways, what's happ'nin, sweet demon o mine?  
FHEOBIE: Half demon.  
PRUE: Ew, like Cole. Cole the foal. Shmoal. Cole on the dole. Cole in a hole.   
FHEOBIE: Enough with the rhyme, it's a crime.  
  
BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER.  
  
PRUE: Don't you have somewhere to live?  
  
SUDDENLY THE GROUND BEGINS TO SHAKE.  
  
PRUE: Shiver me timbers! Earthquake! Phoebe-jeebies-o-rama!  
FHEOBIE: It's not a quake, it's your hair cut! Bringing about mass destruction and hatred and the apocalypse in general.  
PRUE: Look, buddy, I'm phlattered you noticed and all, but we are not revolving this entire series around the fact that I got my hair cut! That's just lame!  
FHEOBIE: This is KT we're talking about.  
PRUE: ... oh yeah. *acts* Oh, my hair is destroying the world as we know it!  
KT(OS): Excellent work!  
  
THE WALLS OF THE FOYM (F*CK OFF YELLOW MANSION) BEGIN TO CRUMBLE.  
  
PRUE: Oh feck, she's really going all out with the effects, huh? Well I'm outta here!  
  
PRUE ORBS OUT. FHEOBIE REVERTS BACK TO JESSE.  
  
JESSE: But Prue! My powers are out of wack, rememeber? I can't shimmer! Prue? PRUE!  
  
A HUGE PIECE OF HOUSE FALLS ON HIM.  
  
SMASH CUT TO:  
  
CREDITS.  
  
*   
  
*   
  
Eep. 


	6. Which Prue Is It Anyway That Ate The Las...

A/N: So the reason this hasn't aired for weeks is I thought the ep due to go on air wasn't complete but it turns out... I was watching the wrong one... ahem. Well.   
  
A/N: Thank AP I don't own Avril.  
  
*  
  
PRUE: INVESTIGATIONS 1.6: WHICH PRUE IS IT ANYWAY WHO ATE THE LAST DAMN CROISSANT?  
  
*  
  
OPEN ON:  
  
AVRIL LAVIGNE SITTING AT A DESK ADJUSTING HER TIE.  
  
AVRIL: Ladies and Gentlemen *screams* And punks! *normal* Raise your liquid eye-liners to Shannen and That Guy Who Plays Jesse in Prue: Investigations.  
  
THERE IS A QUICK BLAST OF SKATER BWA OR SKATER BOY AND I FLAT OUT REFUSE TO LOWER MYSELF TO THE ABYSMAL WAY THAT WHORE SPELLS IT. YES, SORRY GUYS, I, UNLIKE SO MANY OF YOU SCUMBAGS, AM ANTI-THATBITCHAVRIL. GOD I HATE HER. I HATE HER LIKE I HATE PAIGE. EXCEPT I'M GOING TO SEE AVRIL IN CONCERT IN... OO A WEEK TODAY! ... UM... ROLL CREDITS!  
  
KT EXITS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR TO AVOID THE MANY THINGS BEING THROWN.  
  
AVRIL: Oh yeah - I like to skate.  
  
UM... OKAY.   
  
ROLL CREDITS.  
  
SCENE: ATTIC. PRUE IS SITTING RANDOMLY DOING NOTHING.  
  
PRUE: I wish I could cast a random spell from the Book of Shi-aaadows right about now. Oh, I know! I'll just recite one I did ages about... round about... series one of Charmed?  
  
SHE GRINS WICKEDLY.  
  
PRUE: Take my powers, blessed be, multiply their strength by three.  
  
BAM! PRUE DROPS TO HER KNEES (SOMETHING SHE SEEMS A LITTLE TOO PRACTISED AT IF YOU ASK ME... BUT YOU'RE NOT ASKING ME... SO JUST FORGET IT, OKAY? OKAY.) AND TWO MORE PRUES APPEAR BY HER SIDES.  
  
PRUE: Woohoo! Now you two should do exactly as I say.  
PRUE1: No!  
PRUE2: You slut!  
PRUE: Eh? What's with the sudden defiance? And name-calling? YOU'RE the slut, slut-face!  
PRUE2: Okay, but we're the same person, so you just insulted yourself.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Confound me and my superior-to-Phoebe intellect! Oh well. You two, come with me.  
  
SHE STARTS GOING DOWN...STAIRS BUT STOPS WHEN THE TWO PRUES DON'T FOLLOW HER.   
  
PRUE: What the paige are you up to?  
PRUE1&2: Take my powers, blessed be, multiply their strength by three.  
  
FOUR MORE PRUES APPEAR.  
  
PRUE1-6: Take my powers, blessed be, multiply their strength by three.  
  
TWELVE MORE PRUES APPEAR.  
  
PRUE: Okay I'm gonna pull a Phoebe and...  
  
PRUE COUNTS THE AMOUNT OF PRUES PHOEBES STYLE... EXCEPT WHEN PHOEBE COUNTED, THERE WAS ONLY THREE PRUES. NOW THERE IS-  
  
PRUE: Eighteen mes. Nineteen including me.  
  
GUYS, IF THAT WAS WRONG, BLAME ME AND NOT PRUE. SHANNEN WAS JUST READING THE SCRIPT. *WHISPERS* SHE NEVER GETS IT WRONG.  
  
PRUE1-18: Take my powers, blessed be, multiply their strength by three.  
  
A BAZILLION PRUES SOON POPULATE THE ROOM.  
  
PRUE: I'm not even gonna try.  
  
JESSE ENTERS AND FINDS HIMSELF IN THE MIDST OF A SEA OF PRUES.  
  
JESSE: Woah mama!  
PRUES: Hey Jesse!  
PRUE: Quiet, everyone! I'm the real Prue.  
PRUES: No, we're the real Prues. I mean, I'm the real Prue. No, I am, no, I am, no, I am, look at your stoopid hair, it's YOUR hair too, dingus etc.  
PRUE: Uh, had some technical difficulties with a little spell.   
JESSE: So I see. Croissant?  
  
SURE ENOUGH (AND SOMEWHAT CONVENIENTLY), JESSE HAS BROUGHT IN A PLATE OF MILLIONS OF CROISSANTS. THE SEA OF PRUES DESCEND ON IT.  
  
JESSE: Good thing I made enough to feed an army.  
PRUE: An army, eh?  
  
FADE OUT.  
  
FADE IN.  
  
SCENE - THE SAME, EXCEPT ALL THE BAJILLIONS OF PRUE ARE WEARING ARMY GEAR, CARRYING GUNS, AND FACING FORWARDS WHERE PRUE PACES IN FRONT OF THEM WITH BLACK STRIPES DOWN HER CHEEKS. JESSE WATCHES, NOT REALLY GIVING A DAMN.  
  
JESSE: Prue, I like your make-up.  
PRUE: It's not make-up.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
JESSE: So it's just natura-  
PRUE: Yes. *to Prues* Now, Prues, your mission, if you choose to accept it - which you will - is to go all the way to Santa Fay, then change your minds and go to San Francisco and beat the not-so-holy crap out of Phoebe. Think you can do that?  
JESSE: Which Prue ate the last croissant?  
  
ALL THE PRUES POINT AT VARIOUS OTHER PRUES.  
  
PRUE: Jesse! I'm planning an attack on the enemy camp here!  
JESSE: Since when were your sisters your enemies?  
PRUE: *disdainfully* Don't you watch Charmeded?  
JESSE: Well, no, actually, I don't.  
PRUE: You watched it with me last night!  
JESSE: That was Charmeded? I thought it was some low-budget lesbium porno!  
  
SILENCE. PRUE STARES AT JESSE WITH A "WELL DUH" EXPRESSION ON HER FACE.  
  
JESSE: Ohhh...  
  
PRUE AND JESSE EXIT.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
THE DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY.   
  
PRUE AND JESSE ENTER.  
  
JESSE: Prue, since when did you think it was a good idea to make multiple copies of yourself?  
PRUE: Since when were you the boss?  
PHOEBE: Who's the boss?  
  
FAINT DRUM ROLL.   
  
PRUE: You came all the way from San Fran for that one-liner?  
PHOEBE: Yes.  
  
PRUE PUSHES PHOEBE OUT THE DOOR.  
  
PRUE: Lesbium.  
  
AVRIL LAVIGNE ENTERS.  
  
PRUE: It's Avril Lavigne!  
  
THE AUDIENCE GO "OOOOOoooooOOOOO" AND CLAP (AP ONLY KNOWS WHY) AND THERE IS A BLAST OF THE GUITAR RIFF (IF YOU CAN CALL IT THAT... I MEAN, TWO NOTES! WHAT THE HELL!?! *RANTS*) FROM SKATER BWA AGAIN.  
  
AVRIL: I'm a punk.  
JESSE: Yes, you sure are.  
AVRIL: Do you like my tie?  
PRUE: No. No I don't. You look stoopid.  
AVRIL: Hey! I'm a punk, I'll have you know!  
JESSE: *singing* She was a punk, and he did ballet-  
PRUE: Your first girlfriend, Jesse?  
JESSE: Quiet, you. So, Avril, what's a young skater bwa such as yourself doing here?  
  
PRUE GRABS AVRIL'S SKATEBOARD AND JUMPS ON IT, PUSHES OFF AND FALLS ON HER ASS.  
  
AVRIL: *genuine* Wow Mister, your girlfriend's better than I am!  
JESSE: I can't imagine that's difficult, you failure.  
AVRIL: Hey, I'm a bazillionnaire and what are you?  
PRUE: I don't know what he is but you're living proof of what's wrong with this world. Well, you and Alyssa Milano, but she isn't here just now. God KT's decided I loathe you, so naturally I do.  
AVRIL: You just inspired me to write a really crappy punk-pop song!  
  
AVRIL GETS HER ENCORE GUITAR (IF YOU PLAY GUITAR, YOU'LL KNOW WHAT THAT'S ABOUT MWA HA HA) AND PLAYS A POWERCHORD. PRUE AND JESSE MOSH ABOUT HALF-HEARTEDLY.  
  
AVRIL: *sings* She was a punk rawk girl!  
  
SHE PLAYS ANOTHER POWERCHORD.  
  
AVRIL: *sings* He wasn't in her world  
  
ANOTHER POWERCHORD.  
  
AVRIL: *sings* And if he tried to be a punk too  
  
ANOTHER POWERCHORD. BASICALLY GUYS, THIS IS AN ALYSSA MILANO SONG WITH GUITAR. IF YOU COULD CALL IT THAT.  
  
AVRIL: *sings* It would get him kill...urld!  
  
SHE FINISHES WITH A FLORISH AND A REAL PROPER SIX-STRING CHORD! WOWO! Em! ISN'T SHE INCREDIBLE? PRUE AND JESSE CLAP.  
  
PRUE: Why that was wondercrap!  
JESSE: Truly amazsh*t!  
AVRIL: Oh yeah - I like to skate.  
  
AVRIL WRITES DOWN THE LYRICS.  
  
AVRIL: Yeah, cool, punk, rad, kick, skate, deck, wicked!  
  
JESSE FROWNS.  
  
JESSE: What the paige is she talking about?  
AVRIL: Paige? As in Paige Matthew Stroke Halliwell? I love that gal!  
PRUE: *hopeful* In a lesbium kinda way?  
AVRIL: God no, I'm a punk!  
  
SHE SAID IN THAT SORT OF WAY THAT INDICATES BEING A PUNK MEANS SOMETHING. IDIUM. HOW I LOATHE HER.  
  
PRUE: So what are you doing here, scuzbucket?  
AVRIL: KT called me up and said she wanted me on the show. Something about being a great fan.  
KT(OS): A PHAN you mean!  
AVRIL: Yeah, she spells things weird like I do. Cos I spelt 'skater boy' S K the number 8 R, B O I and she spells things with a P H-  
KT(OS): When I'm taking the piss, you lesbium!  
AVRIL: There! Lesbium! That's not the proper spelling!  
PRUE: That's cos it's not the same word, doofus! The amount of people who get that word mixed up with what it sounds like... honestly, there's a right bunch of idiums round these parts.  
JESSE: *looking at Prue* There sure are.  
AVRIL: Oh yeah - I like to skate.  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE: Why do you keep saying that?  
AVRIL: I'm a character, what can I say? Hey - what can I say - that's one of my lyrics!  
JESSE: Lyrics? More like half-rhyme pieces of shi-  
  
HE SEES AVRIL PULL OUT HER ARMY KNIFE AND LOOK AT HIM.  
  
JESSE: -amazing stuff!  
PRUE: Shamazing? Nice.  
AVRIL: This is my knife. He's called Punky.  
PRUE: How... inventive. This is my chainsaw.  
  
SHE PULLS A HUGE WHIRRING CHAINSAW OUT FROM HER... HAIR.  
  
PRUE: It's called Diepunkdie. (pronounced Deepunkdee)  
AVRIL: Diepunkdie. I like it!  
PRUE: Me too, my little Punkish friend, me too.  
JESSE: I don't get it.  
PRUE: And you never will. Unless I explain it. Which I won't.  
JESSE: Aww...  
AVRIL: Ohmygod, you just inspired me to write another shitty punk-pop song!  
  
ONCE AGAIN, THE ENCORE (HA!) GUITAR REARS IT'S UGLY, INEXPENSIVE AND UNPLAYABLE HEAD. AVRIL PLAYS THE SAME POWERCHORD AS BEFORE.  
  
AVRIL: *sings* She was a skater, he was a punk.  
  
ANOTHER POWERCHPARD, THE SAME AS BEFORE.  
  
AVRIL: *sings* Apart they were about as useful as a skunk.  
  
ANOTHER POWERCHPARD, THE SAME AS BEFORE. BASICALLY, SHE'S PLAYING THE EXACT SAME STUFF AS SHE DID IN THE PREVIOUS 'SONG'. HONESTLY I'M SHOCKED THE LYRICS AREN'T THE SAME. WHORE.  
  
AVRIL: *sings* He smashed his guitar off the stage with a thunk.  
  
UGH, THE LAST POWERCHORD.  
  
AVRIL: *sings* Put together, the two of them rock-unk!  
  
FLORISH. AND SHE PLAYS Em AGAIN! WOW! ISN'T SHE INCREDIBLE? I MEAN, WHAT TALENT! PRUE AND JESSE DON'T EVEN REPLY, THEY'RE TOO HORRIFIED.  
  
AVRIL: Oh yeah - I like to skate.  
  
ONCE AGAIN, AVRIL WRITES DOWN THE LYRICS.  
  
AVRIL: Yeah, cool, punk, rad, kick, skate, deck, wicked!  
PRUE: I want her out of my house.  
JESSE: I want her out of my country.  
PRUE: Let's ship her to the UK!  
KT(OS): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
AVRIL: Oh quiet you, she said the UK, not Scotland. Everybody knows Scotland isn't a part of the UK.  
  
SILENCE. EVERYBODY STARES AT THE HO.  
  
AVRIL: I like to skate?  
  
AND SUDDENLY (AND HAPPILY), PRUE'S CHAINSAW 'DIEPUNKDIE' GETS TO LIVE UP TO HIS NAME. AWWW! I ALWAYS CRY AT HAPPY ENDINGS!   
  
ROLL CRED-  
  
PRUE: Hold on a minute, Missy! Aren't we gonna find out what happened to the army of Prues I sent out after Phoebe?  
  
OH... I GUESS...  
  
CUT TO:  
  
SOME EQUATORIAL JUNGLE. THE PRUES ARE MARCHING ALONG.  
  
PRUE867: Are we in Santa Fay yet?  
PRUE3987: I don't think we're anywhere.  
PRUE85: My kickin' leg's really itchin' for a kickin'  
  
PAUSE.  
  
PRUE1242: How come we have a yokel Prue with us?  
PRUE8976398: We also have a German Prue.  
PRUE68: Da! Ich mögen zu Skate!   
PRUE8976398: And a French Prue.  
PRUE968: Oui! J'aime à skateboard!  
PRUE8976398: And a Norwegian Prue.  
PRUE753: Jeg liker til skateboard.  
PRUE8976398: And an Italian Prue.  
PRUE43: Amo allo skate.  
PRUE8976398: And a Spanish Prue.  
PRUE8349: Aprecio ir en monopatín.  
PRUE8976398: And a-  
PRUE1242: Okay okay! Geez...  
  
PAUSE. WE'LL IGNORE THAT THEY ONLY STOPPED WAS BECAUSE KT GOT ALL SHE COULD FROM FREETRANSLATION.COM. OH ME.  
  
PRUE1242: Meh.  
PRUE398: Are we in Santa Fay now?  
PRUE8937: No idea sweetie.  
PRUE3: Maybe we should ask someone, I dunno, one of the local snakes or something.  
PRUE354634: Mmm snakes.  
PRUE8: There's slutty Prue!  
ALL: *singing* Do you know the way to Santa Fay?  
  
THEY CONTINUE TO SING AND MARCH AS WE PAN OUT... ONTO A MAP OF THE WORLD... WHICH SHOWS THAT SANTA FAY IS IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AND THAT THE PRUES ARE ACTUALLY MARCHING TOWARDS... NO... IT CAN'T BE... HOLD ON, NEVER-NEVER LAND ISN'T A REAL PLACE!  
  
PRUE84(OS): It isn't? Let's go this way then!  
  
THEY START SINGING AGAIN. NOW THEY'RE HEADED TOWARDS... THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE. WELL, AT LEAST IT EXISTS. THEY'LL NEED A FAIR FEW BOATS OUT THERE ALL RIGHT!  
  
ROLL CREDITS. 


End file.
